Road Games

I have been asked, "Munkay Girl, how DO you stay sane during car trips with two young boys?" Ok, if any of you know me, the lucidity of that inquiry explains that it is only me who asks this. But I will answer it here and now anyway. I know with summer over, your family vacation time has past for the season. Practice these now and you will be ready for next year.

I'll start with my favorite, "Next Dead Thing".
Next Dead thing is an easy one, all ages can play. Not many skills involved. Basically some family member yells out,"What's the next dead thing?" We each must rapidly come up with an answer. "Racoon", I most often shout, knowing that critter has the highest mortality rate on blacktop. Deer, turtle, squirrel, bird, rabbit, are the most popular choices that follow, depending on our location and time. "Cat" my feline hater Hubby will wishfully answer, often. When the novelty of this game wears thin we kick it up. "Elephants, lemurs and jackals have been spotted and argued over. We have turned around to examine an armadillo. Yes, we all conceded that there has been armadillos taken down in Minnesota. When you become experienced at this one, wagers can be placed. "If the next dead thing we see is a turtle, we listen to the Bowie CD again". "Coon is Smash Mouth". "Deer is Toby Keith". No wait, Toby is country, if we see a deer, YOU will be the next dead thing. "Cat is talk radio". Nooo- play talk radio and I will throw myself in front of a car. Anything that vaguely resembles a deer or a cat and I speed up and yelp, "What?, I didn't see anything, didn't see anything."

Another good one is "Name Plate". You read the letters on the license plate of the driver in front of you and come up with a descriptive name for the car or driver using each letter on their plate to begin the name. We have followed Moron Iron Recluse, and Slow Nappy Lamppost. It's the Dumb Angry Stinkpots that cut you off or the Stupid Rat Sniffers you gotta watch out for. Personally I currently drive Every Retards Enabler on my bad days and Extra Ritchous Entity during my up ones.

We also make up stories about the other drivers we pass. Our form of "What's your Line".
The station wagon driver with the Wisconsin plates is really an underground cheese smuggler earning money on the black market until he gets his big break on "American Idol".
The Honda driver with one blue door on his grey car is in the witness protection plan and is going home to polish the Rolls Royce that is now hidden, never to be used again in his new garage. He changed his name to Ricardo and has taken up salsa dancing to ease the pain of leaving his pet iguana, Iggy behind.
The frumpy lady with the cigarette hanging out of her mouth is going to work at GNC were she will sell the supplements to the high school swim team member who will eventually grow web feet and win the gold in breaststroke in the Olympics. Everyone has a story.

My Hubys favorite is a nice quiet one we call, "Snake in the Ho". There are few words to "Snake in the Ho". You make a fist, Now turn your fist, thumb side up and loosen your grip just enough to made a small hole. Now you are ready. Find someone to challenge, preferable the person sitting next to you. Smack them on their upper thigh with your fist and taunt, "Snake in the Ho". They now have to stick a finger, or "snake" into your hole before you can react and tighten your grip and trap their finger. We have occupied ourselves with countless games of "Snake in the Ho" over the years. I find if I can lull my opponent's ho into unsuspecting relaxation by repeatedly circling their trap by running my finger tip around the ho before jamming my finger and pulling out to escape fast. K2 is very good at this game- his little finger are speedy and in and gone by the time my grip can contract.

The game my boys came up with is "Most Irritating Noise Ever". Started out with one of them cracking their knuckles. Unknowing, I told them, "Stop that, that is the most irritating noise ever. They took it as a challenge. Fart noise followed. Opera singing and yodaling next. Then the auctioneering began. "Do I hear five bucks to drive Mom nuts? Five bucks?" "FIVE!" "Now ten who's got ten, ten, ten bucks to see mom lose it...."
So far in that game the winner is a draw between K1's high pitched "Ooyeeeeeeee", (imagine a hyper Jewish pig) and K2' soft and moist "buzzz- buzzzzssss" right in the ear when you least expect it. I suggest always driving with a backup adult in the car while playing this. We were heading downtown one day with my full-grown nephew riding shot gun as I drove. My sons launch into this game with out the benefit of telling Cuz the rules. I was enjoying a stimulating adult conversation in the front seat when interrupted by, "Bbbuzzzzz- buzzzzsssss", in my ear. "Stop! I admonish and slap the air by my head. They was my downfall, losing all control at that point. Soon it sounded like a swarm of bees in may car. When this background noise escalates into "Oye, oye, ooyeeeee" I snap and break every rule of motherhood. "KNOCK IT OFF", I beller, spittle flying from my mouth. The volume goes down but does not stop. "Grab the wheel Cuz !", I shout. "Huh?", answers my nephew all big eyed and scared. "Take the stinking wheel, damn it, take the WHEEL!!" Nephew obliges and takes the wheel allowing me to turn in my seat and swing at the devils in the back unhindered by by having to steer as I drive. We never did make it all the way into the city that day. We stopped for a nice cup of decaf coffee and an attitude realignment before Cuz drove us back home.

I wonder if anyone was playing "What's Your Line" when they seen us on our return ride that day. Would any one of thought, "There is a nice family, on their way home from a trip into the inner city after reading to nursing home residence and handing out homeade cookies and slippers to celebrate the twenty-first birthday of the mom who is staring out the window so blankly. Or was it, "Narrowly escaping a mass-murder suicide, the young man driving commandeered the vehicle before his aunt attempted any vehicular homicide before returning home to redecorated her bathroom walls with melted crayons and empty Frito chip bags. Makes ya wonder.